So, a few years ago, every time I visited the doctor, she asked, “Do you feel safe at home?”

Now, being a person who feels very safe at home, and a bit of a cynic, I have to admit some rather sarcastic replies entered my head.

Not when my husband takes off his socks.
Not when my boys decide to cook.

Not when my daughter has a high need for Dr. Pepper.

But I do realize that it’s a serious question. So, I seriously answer. Yes. I feel safe at home.

Until….

Well, see, our family is going on vacation out of the country this year, and we need to update our passports. My husband, being a frugal guy, decided we could take our own passport pictures.

It was very revealing.

I took one look at these shots and decided….

I live with convicts.

Meet Big Sal.

Yeah, he’s the brains behind the entire operation. He doing time for breaking his parole agreement, exacerbated by his role in the Great Cleaning Revolt, the one he staged after this year’s Prom Party. He’s got the whole joint under his thumb. You gotta pay him in Doritos.

Then there’s Big Sal’s Enforcer:

Knuckles McGee 

Knuckles lives to hurt…others. Knuckles has a record as long as a football field, honing his skills early by laying in wait for his victims and pouncing upon them from high places, like the sofa, or the kitchen table. Now he simply mows them down as they emerge from the bathroom, the basement, and especially on the football field. He may be paroled in two years with good behavior. It’s doubtful.

The most notorious criminal in the Warren Big House is Slick, Fastest Fingers in the North.

Watch it, he’ll steal your plate of macaroni and cheese right out from under your nose while you’re letting the dog in. Shoes, shirts, hats and gaming accessories mysteriously end up in his possession. He’s got a five year sentence.

Last, but not in any way the least dangerous is the beauty of the bunch, Tootsie.

Don’t be fooled, she’s Trouble. Fast driving, fast-talking, fast Face-booking, she’ll sneak up on you, use her charm and suddenly you’re missing your wallet. Worse, she’ll announce on a Thursday that she’s having a prom party for twenty plus kids the next night. (Followed by that oh-so-devious smile and a destruction zone worthy of a state of emergency declaration). She’s created so much havoc we’re hoping she succeeds in her escape attempt next year.

Yeah, they scare me.
Okay, I’ll admit that I love my convicts.

Although the dog and I might make a break for it.

See, she doesn’t feel safe at home either.

Signed,
Warden Warren